Some truth to most of these!

[Zogman]

Nothing spoils a good story more than the arrival of an eye witness. (Mark Twain)


It only takes one slow-walking person in the grocery store to destroy the illusion that I'm a nice person.


It turns out that when asked who your favorite child is, you're supposed to pick out one of your own.


It's fine to eat a test grape in the produce section, but you take one bite of rotisserie chicken and it's all, "You need to leave!"


One thing no one ever talks about, when it comes to being an older adult, is how much time we devote to keeping a cardboard box because it is, you know, a really good box.


I can't believe I forgot to go to the gym today. That's seven years in a row, now.


Ask your doctor if a drug with 32 pages of side-effects is bad for you.


The best way to get back on your feet is to miss two car payments.


I love bacon. Sometimes I eat it twice a day. It takes my mind off the terrible chest pains I keep getting.


Driver: "What am I supposed to do with this speeding ticket?" Officer, "Keep it. When you collect four of them, you get a bicycle."


I told my physiotherapist that I broke my arm in two places. He told me to stop going to those places.


I put our scale in the bathroom corner & that's where the little liar will stay until it apologizes.


Do you ever get up in the morning, look in the mirror & think, "That can't be accurate!"


I want to be 14 again & ruin my life differently. I have new ideas.


Apparently RSVP'ing to a wedding invitation with "Maybe next time" isn't the correct response.


I just burned 1,200 calories. I forgot the pizza in the oven.


Who knew that the hardest thing of being an adult is figuring out what to fix for dinner and doing it every single night for the rest of your life until you die?


I hate it when people act all intellectual and talk about Mozart, when they've never even seen one of his paintings.


Never trust an electrician with no eyebrows.


Instead of cleaning my house, I just watch an episode of "The Hoarders," and think, "Wow! My house looks great."