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Thread: Affairs

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    Affairs

    Affairs

    *_The 1st Affair_*

    A married man was having an affair with his secretary.

    One day they went to her place and made love all afternoon.

    Exhausted, they fell asleep and woke up at 8 PM.

    The man hurriedly dressed and told his lover to take his
    shoes outside and rub them in the grass and dirt.

    He put on his shoes and drove home.

    'Where have you been?' his wife demanded.

    'I can't lie to you,' he replied,

    'I'm having an affair with my secretary. We had sex all
    afternoon.'

    She looked down at his shoes and said: 'You lying bastard!
    You've been playing golf!'




    *_The 2nd Affair _*

    A middle-aged couple had two beautiful daughters but
    always talked about having a son.

    They decided to try one last time for the son they
    always wanted.

    The wife got pregnant and delivered a healthy baby boy.

    The joyful father rushed to the nursery to see his new son.

    He was horrified at the ugliest child he had ever seen.

    He told his wife: 'There's no way I can be the father of
    this baby. Look at the two beautiful daughters I fathered!
    Have you been fooling around behind my back?'

    The wife smiled sweetly and replied: 'No, not this time!'



    *_The 3rd Affair _*

    A mortician was working late one night.

    He examined the body of Mr. Schwartz, about to be cremated,
    and made a startling discovery. Schwartz had the largest
    private part he had ever seen!

    'I'm sorry Mr. Schwartz,' the mortician commented, 'I can't
    allow you to be cremated with such an impressive private
    part. It must be saved for posterity.'

    So, he removed it, stuffed it into his briefcase, and took
    it home.

    'I have something to show you won't believe,' he said to
    his wife, opening his briefcase.

    'My God!' the wife exclaimed, 'Schwartz is dead!'



    *_The 4th Affair _*

    A woman was in bed with her lover when she heard her
    husband opening the front door.

    'Hurry,' she said, 'stand in the corner.'

    She rubbed baby oil all over him, then dusted him with
    talcum powder.

    'Don't move until I tell you,' she said. 'Pretend you're
    a statue.'

    'What's this?' the husband inquired as he entered the room.

    'Oh it's a statue,' she replied. 'The Smiths bought one
    and I liked it so I got one for us, too.'

    No more was said, not even when they went to bed.

    Around 2 AM the husband got up, went to the kitchen and
    returned with a sandwich and a beer.

    'Here,' he said to the statue, 'have this. I stood like
    that for two days at the Smiths and nobody offered me a
    damned thing.'



    *_The 5th Affair_*

    A man walked into a cafe, went to the bar and ordered
    a beer.

    'Certainly, Sir, that'll be one cent.'

    'One Cent?' the man exclaimed.

    He glanced at the menu and asked: 'How much for a nice
    juicy steak and a bottle of wine?'

    'A nickel,' the barman replied.

    'A nickel?' exclaimed the man. 'Where's the guy who
    owns this place?'

    The bartender replied: 'Upstairs, with my wife.'

    The man asked: 'What's he doing upstairs with your
    wife?'

    The bartender replied: 'The same thing I'm doing to
    his business down here.'



    *_The 6th & Best Affair_*

    Jake was dying. His wife sat at the bedside.

    He looked up and said weakly: 'I have something I
    must confess.'

    'There's no need to, 'his wife replied.

    'No,' he insisted, 'I want to die in peace. I slept
    with your sister, your best friend, her best friend,
    and your mother!'

    'I know,' she replied. 'Now just rest and let the
    poison work.'air


















    A









    12 Not allowed!
    "Don't take life so serious, son. It ain't nohow permanent." Porky Pine 12/25/1973

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    Are we supposed to fill in the blanks

    1 Not allowed!

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    It will scroll to the right .

    0 Not allowed!
    Any man who thinks he can be happy and prosperous by letting the
    Government take care of him; better take a closer look at the American Indian!" .

    I don't drink alcohol, I drink distilled spirits; so I am not an alcoholic... I am spiritual

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