Divorced Dads

[Skullet]

I'm sure some of you have been down this path, and I'd love your advice.

I was divorced in 2014 when my three daughters were 3, 4, and 6. I was lucky enough to receive joint custody of my girls. They spend every other week with me.
7 years later I am remarried (since 2017) and my daughters have begun to resist coming to my house.
Amazingly enough, they can "remember" things that happened before they were born, they can repeat their mother's version of why why divorced, and they have decided that my wife and I can do nothing correctly. They have made statements questioning what they will be inheriting from my parents, and have become generally vile, disrespectful assholes. Their mother convinced them that it would be better for our daughters to spend fathers day with her because they would get to use her new pontoon.
My wife is at her absolute wits end with their attitudes, disrespect towards her and myself, and the way they view us. I have described this situation as becoming a tug of war between my ex and me.

I am really questioning whether it would be in my daughters best interest to let my ex win. I can see the damage being done to my daughters by being fed an altered version of the truth, and having to listen to someone bad-mouth me.

I honestly don't know the best way to proceed. Do I force them to endure a legal battle with their mother, during which they will receive daily briefings on what a huge asshole I am, or do I let them go for now and pray like hell that they find their way back to me in the future?

My mind tells me the logical thing to do is stay in their lives at all cost. My heart questions whether I want to have them continue to have to hear the lies about me, and wonders if my presence is causing them more harm than they deserve.

Help!!!

 

[Wags2.0]

Yeesh, i feel for ya. Having grown up in a divorced and mixed family (having step brothers/sisters) I wish i knew what to tell you. Looking back now my dad did to me what your ex is doing to your kids. The manipulation, lies, half truths, etc. I eventually saw through the bullshit but it wasnt until i was in college. Unfortunately the only advice i have is to be a good person, dad, and be their for your kids however you can and however they need. Take the high road, and be pleasant with your ex especially in front of your kids. Hopefully they will see things for what they actually are.

 

[westwolfone]

Yeesh, i feel for ya. Having grown up in a divorced and mixed family (having step brothers/sisters) I wish i knew what to tell you. Looking back now my dad did to me what your ex is doing to your kids. The manipulation, lies, half truths, etc. I eventually saw through the bullshit but it wasnt until i was in college. Unfortunately the only advice i have is to be a good person, dad, and be their for your kids however you can and however they need. Take the high road, and be pleasant with your ex especially in front of your kids. Hopefully they will see things for what they actually are.

I agree with the other poster. Don't say or do anything. Just roll with it.

Your kids will figure out what's been going on eventually and come back around.

 

[HammsRMK]

My parents split when I was going into 8th grade. We ended up with mom for the weeks and dad every other weekend. Some weekends we were supposed to be with dad and mom had something we needed to do we did it with her. He suffered quite a bit. He always told my mom its going to come back and get her in the end. I love both my parents and they can actually get along now, but I feel that her having us more often when we were little made my dad and I closer now. It might be different with you having girls and I hope you can pull through and hopefully sooner than later they will see they need both parents.

 

[guywhofishes]

Don’t neglect yourself in order to be the constant hero. I took the high road, alone and without much support, for 10 yrs.

Some of it was worth it, some not.

Dont be afraid to push back - being the sacrificial hero all the time is BS.

And seek advice on dealing w sociopathic behavior - it constantly pulls you into useless battles.

 

[Nelly]

I have no experience in a divorced household myself. I would think that the advice you have been given here is pretty sound. My advise would be don't penalize your kids at this point in their lives due to bad information that they are being given. Stick with them and try to guide them to the best of your abilities. Show them that you care no matter how much they may resist you while they are young. Remember, they are learning how to determine things for themselves and are very easily influenced by the people that are guiding them through life. You need to be one of these people. As they get older, they will see through the lies and make decisions based on experience. The one thing they will remember, is that you didn't give up on them. Try to be a positive role model to them and show your X respect in front of them both when she is around and also when you are on your own with them. Show them that you are not a hateful person. Later in life, at least you will know you didn't give up on your kids.

 

[guywhofishes]

And if your kids can’t respect your loving authority that’s their problem. If they choose to willfully disrespect you and wife that’s not kosher. Put them on notice it’s not allowed and stick to your guns.

 

[savage270]

It took a lot of courage to put this out here for everyone to read, so I really respect you for recognizing you need help and seeking it. While everyone's situation is a little different, I can definitely relate to a lot of the issues you wrote about and had a crazy ex-wife cut from the same cloth, so I can an offer the following advice:

1. Set boundaries with your kids about what subjects you are willing to talk about, rather than try to go back and forth, confusing them with 2 sets of "realities" and being caught in the middle of a battle between you and your ex. If they try to bring up the topics of custody, the divorce, etc. simply shut it down and tell them: "That is between your mother and I. None of it is your fault and it is not healthy or fair for you to have to worry about adult matters that you have no control over." You can offer to discuss those things with them when they are adults and will be able to understand them better, but by setting those topics off limits for now they will have nothing to take back to your ex wife. Once you stop playing her game, she will likely decide its not as fun to play it.

2. See if you can get your daughters into some counseling. They are dealing with a lot and a neutral third party can help sort out a lot of the BS. If you don't have the authority to do this on your own, or you ex won't agree to it, see if they can have those conversations more informally with your church pastor or other trusted adult in their life who could provide an unbiased perspective on things.

3. Document everything related to these issues, date, time and details. If you do end up having to go back to court, the evidence is invaluable. I just used a word document on my computer and updated it as needed.

4. Give a lot of grace to your current wife. Recognize that she loved you enough to step into this messy situation and needs to know that you are her side. It's incredibly important for her to have a friend, or someone she can talk to that is in the same situation of being a step-mom. It's also important for you to have someone to vent to who understands what you are going through. Potentially it could be another couple in your situation. It will be almost impossible for you and your wife to fight this battle alone without others supporting you.

Finally, do not give up. Whether they show it or not, your kids need you more than they know and only you are their father. They are confused, hurt, and stuck in a hard circumstance that is not of their making. Love them and support them as best you can through their childhood. In a few short years they will be adults and mature enough to enjoy a wonderful relationship with their father.

Best of luck and PM me if you need anything else.

 

[espringers]

oh boy... too common and very damaging to young minds and potential lifelong relationships. there is no excuse for your ex wife's behavior. so many things i would like to say to parents who do this. and i got no advice to be honest. i've seen it end badly and not so bad. no particular solution led to one result or the other. good luck with this.

 

[Duckslayer100]

Kill 'em with kindness. Your daughters are at an age where they're likely hormonal, easy to manipulate, and will sway readily toward whomever does what they want. Unfortunately, your ex is in their ears.

Funny thing is, eventually she's going to say or do something they don't like, and they'll come crawling back.

Don't change a thing. Show them you're a loving, caring father who has boundaries and expectations. They won't like it now, and that's fine. Eventually they'll look back and see the err of their ways.

 

[RPNLPS]

Trust me I know all to well what your saying been there and doing that since 2018! I literally left a very toxic relationship with my two boys of my own left at home with there mom! Did not want any confrontation. I took them fishing and hunting since they could walk for all the years I was with them my youngest was 13 when I left. Fished kids tournaments and even fished and won at the money tournaments with my then 10 yr old I helped raise a boy since he was in diapers until he went to college from a previous engagement of hers prior to meeting her! The oldest is a well let’s just say punk ( not blood)! My oldest dropped out of school and was smoking pot at 14 sneaking out driving his moms car at night before he had a license! I’ve seen my youngest 1 time in last 2 years he’s now 15 be 16 in August. It was a shit show living like that I and you have to choose to be the smart man that keeps there mouths shut because they will throw your ass in jail even if someone says you looked at them wrong! It sucks major ass that I can’t do anything to fix this but I have faith my boys will eventually come back to me. Take care of your self and stay out of the conflicts be the bigger person of they don’t see it your way it’s there loss not yours! Married for 17 years and I had to choose kill her or just walk away!!! After all she told me to move out and fish my ass off a few times over the year leading up to me leaving! Ten years prior to that I got hit in the back of the head with a swing line stapler from 15 feet away from an ex softball player! That was about her last day on earth,Bout knocked me out but it didn’t and I rolled on! That was the topper to my decision of leaving. Now just had to raise my boys to the age they would have learned my skills! Life’s a bitch sometimes but we just have to lick our wounds and move on with or without them! I could go on and on but don’t give two fucks anymore. Good look! Hope it all works out for you there’s a lot of messed up people in this world don’t even appreciate having the clothes on there backs to wear !

 

[huntinforfish]

I am of the younger crown here and have no direct experience for myself. However, I grew up very close with some cousins who went through this. Uncle is a solid guy. Ex-aunt was a cheating bitch who ran him through the mud every chance she got and flaunted his child support as often as she could. He went through tough times with his two kids, daughter and son. Son was into drugs and just grew up hard in a typical split home. Daughter was ok for the most part, but could have made better choices. Ex never supported Uncles ideas about discipline or anything for that matter. Uncle remarried and it was hell for new wife. No respect whatsoever. But, uncle and new wife stayed true. Offered a solid home with boundaries. They were there when needed and were a constant good influence. Fast forward to today. Ex is still a bit of a mess. Daughter is a great human being, married to a great guy and raising a family. Son had a hard road but turned out just fine. Works hard and makes good money, just got married and is expecting soon. Both are great people today. Both have a great relationship with my uncle and his new wife. Kids are assholes and think they know everything. We grow up eventually and learn what was good or bad for us back when. Ill always have respect for my uncle for how he was always the bigger man and just sucked it up and soldiered on. I'm early 30's myself and raising my first child. Think of my "strict" parents and family often and the lessons they taught when they weren't even trying. Best of luck with your situation.

 

[Lycanthrope]

been there and done that, worked pretty well until kids reached near puberty, then they wanted to stay where they had less rules and more freedom. Also girls are much tougher than boys in their pre-teen and teenage years IMO. Its gonna be a rough ride until they are 18-20ish... Try to do fun stuff with them to maintain your relationship but trying to be in control when you arent being allowed to by your ex will just push them away from you. Hopefully you instilled good character and values in to them while you could... Life aint easy

 

[Icumpd]

I also have been threw this same ordeal. I was sharing custody of my son with my ex week on week off. It came down to him eventually choosing her place over mine. I let him go as hard as it was for me..I would call and talk to him and try to visit him when possible. after a year and a half about, when he was 15 he decided that he wanted to come live with me. He finished school that year where he was and then transferred to the school where I am at. He graduated after a few years with me and we now have a great relationship he just turned 20, still has a relationship with his mom which I am happy about. As I never wanted to take that from her despite how we didn't get along.

 

[guywhofishes]

Split custody blows. Not sure it’s all that good for kids.

I often wonder if fighting for split was worth it considering how it funks kids heads up.

 

[7mmMag]

[MENTION=6212]Skullet[/MENTION] PM'd you

 

[Rut2much]

Give em a little space and try and be as good of friends with your ex as you can, it'll only make everything easier on all of you.. They're at the age of trying to figure life out and patience is absolutely huge. Don't press anything and just wait in the weeds for now and it'll come back to ya.. Just like a split, it takes awhile but the love and respect always seems to come full circle.. Ease any pressure and take care of your wife's feelings, don't need that sharp divide.

 

[johnr]

I never spoke ill of my ex to my daughter, and believe me there was plenty. When she turned 14 (freshman year) she moved into my home with her step mom, 2 younger siblings and me to finish out her high school years. Was awesome, but she would sometimes get an attitude with her step mom.

Best advice I have is to not make your adult shitty problems any part of your kids life, if your ex is playing that game try to get her to stop, if she wont, let your kids know that stuff should not be part of their lives. The problems between me and my ex are never part of the kids plate of problems.

Good luck, life is short so before you know it they will be coming around again, and see you are not what their mother is selling them about you.

 

[BrokenBackJack]

Never could understand people that used their kids to get back at the EX. Seen it many times and I, like JR above, had a ton of ammo to throw back at her but I wouldn't play that game and refused to bring the kids into it. My kids saw through it and turned out pretty well. Took my son a little longer than my daughter to get his life straightened out but he is doing great now too.
Keep telling them you are there for them and love them dearly but sometimes life is hard and the truth isn't what they thought it was.
Good luck!

 

[Skullet]

Thank you all for the advice. It’s confirmed a lot of what I had planned and given me some new ideas and encouragement.

In the meantime, I think the best thing I can do is head to the lake to for a few days of fun with my wife and stepdaughter.