toby and tina

[Toby]

Alcoholism and me. First I will say this, yes Tina and our friend has cancer and YES we shaved our heads with pictures taken. She and her husband are great outdoorsmen. We are members of caringbridge and get updates everyday...the grade 3 breast cancer did not move to her lymph nodes or move period, thanking God for that. We found out today.

Me:

I have had the unfortunate struggle with alcoholism for 10 years now. I am 32. I was clean and sober for 2 years until April of this year. I took to the bottle again in April, I am thinking I was was having a nervous breakdown from all of the bad that I seemed to be doing and it was compounded by a family emergency with my father. I started to drink again in the beginning of April. I asked to be deleted from this website and FBO of the usernames that I used to represent myself 5 or 6 days ago because I knew I was heading down a long road, to much to deal with too soon. I am heading to treatment again. I asked Vollmer not to post an article I had wrote and a couple days later I asked to be deleted.

Alcoholism is one of the worst situations I have ever met in my life and I have kept it together regarding my family, I don't let them see it...they can see it but I don't let them live it with me. I'm a fool if they don't see it and know it. Alcoholism is such a low in my life, I know I can beat it but everyday there are things that I get pissed about and have an extremely hard time dealing with so I drink. It turns me into a robot...I know I have to keep it together. On these forums I let them get to me, people talking bad about me, people thinking that I am an arrogant person, prick of a person, I wouldn't lend a hand person...that I get. That's not me I say in my brain when I am sober. Alcoholism is so terrible that sometimes you develop a second personality, develop something different...the thoughts in one's head are overwhelming at points.

Sometimes in life the triggers are so strong that it is hard to break away. Some of my own family turned their back on me years ago, my mother included, before I started drinking.

I have never felt so low in my life as I do now. I feel like I am a f up, waste of space...when people say they want to kick me in the balls it is a usual feeling to me. This is the sad fact of alcoholism...I didn't even realize or remember that I was someone else portrayed on a website. I work nights, for 2 years now, and this is new to me. I often wonder how do I function period. I don't drink while at work, I don't drink right before, and I don't get the tremors like others do. I don't go to work hungover or drunk. I don't know where that darkness comes from. On weekends when I do drink I think I am normal and wake up the next day, obviously not, and cannot remember much about typing on my computer.

I hate all of this because I am better than all of that. I hate all of this because I am a good fisherman, I am a good person. I hate all of this because I hate this disease! This is me: I am an alcoholic that is at his lowest point and am going to get help. Please don't talk shit about me, I will try! I was good for 2 years, I am hoping that I can beat it. This is my heart on my sleeve, took me a bit to write it as I am embarrassed beyond belief!

This is my profile, one and only, and I will chat some chat when I get out. I don't know how long this is going to take but I hope it is not long. Alcoholism is such a terrible disease, I would have never thought it was me. I go back in tomorrow and hope that I can get it back...I'm both nervous and scared. I was not allowed to drink last night so I didn't drink when I wrote this because...because I have to start being honest in life, honest with myself. We will see you on the other side!

TM

 

[lunkerslayer]

God grant me the serenity to except the person I cannot change.
Courage to change the person I can.
And the wisdom to know that person is ME.

God speed and I would like to see shaved heads PLEASE!!!

 

[Toby]

I am scared!

- - - Updated - - -

Take care, good luck, and be safe!

 

[Buckmaster81]

Good luck Toby. I hope you can get your demons straightened out. You might want to go deeper than "alcoholism" and work on finding what triggers your urge to drink.

 

[johnr]

Good luck Toby.
No one was injured in your parade, and it gave us all a little bit of entertainment for a day or two. Hope you at least didn't make up the cancer story, that would be the only thing that would make this a bad way

 

[guywhofishes]

Godspeed Toby. I'm pulling for you.

 

[LOV2HNT]

Reading your post Toby reminded me a lot of my dad as he struggled with alcoholism as well. It is a disease, but it is curable. Keep only the people who are going to support you in your sobriety around. Yeah you made an ass of yourself on here and FBO, but it isn't anything you can't overcome. Stay strong and good luck with your recovery as it is a long road, but you will be a better person for going down it.

 

[Kurtr]

Toby having dealt with a family member who struggled with this you need to forget all this and get straight. Interweb forums don't matter your life does and I wish you the best of luck with getting sober and staying the course.

 

[Bed Wetter]

You don't need luck, you need God, just like the rest of us. It's just a website. If chat forums get under your skin, forget them. You're much more than what people say about you. Praying for the best Toby.

 

[Account Deleted]

Good luck Toby.

 

[Nanky]

Toby - we all make mistakes, both in real life and on here. I think you'll find people on here are easy to jump on posts, etc, but also are the ones that will come out and support you when you're honest. I appreciate your honesty at the end of this topic, it takes balls, that's for sure. Hopefully, you get on a good path again, and I'm sure if you can keep being honest on here and put the keyboard down if you do have some drinks, all will be good. I wish you the best of luck, I can't imagine that it will be easy, but you can do it!!

 

[deleted member]

well this guy isn't gonna judge too much. i know more than a few people who live a bit of a false life online. i've got one i work with who literally has the whole world fooled with her twitter and facebook account. she doesn't know a person can follow her twitter account without actually "following" her. she isn't truthful about her role at work. she embellishes her education. out right lies about her appearance. claims to run miles upon miles and workout for hours/day. embellishes past employment history. all lies. its literally living a life of fantasy on the internet and she has 13,000 twitter followers that probably believe it all. but, i know better.

anyway... a single post or two on a website like this isn't going to cause me too much judgment on a fella cause i think its more common than we think with todays internet generation. so, don't beat yourself up too much over it tobes. and i certainly wouldn't let our opinion dictate how you live your life or how you feel about yourself.

if i were you, i would consider some serious self introspection and try to examine why you even give two shits about what any of us think. you don't know 99.5% of us personally. so, what we think shouldn't matter to you one bit. definitely not enough to make a post under a false username drawing attention to your shaved head or your friend with cancer. and frankly, if i were you, i would think real hard about why you felt the need to explain your battle with alcohol to us too.

i just hope you aren't using alcoholism as an excuse for bad internet behavior. lots of folk have bad internet behavior and booze has nothing to do with it.

finally... i ain't a fan of deleting internet threads... but, if we really do care one bit about this fella, this one needs to deleted from the interweb FOREVA!

 

[lunkerslayer]

well this guy isn't gonna judge too much. i know more than a few people who live a bit of a false life online. i've got one i work with who literally has the whole world fooled with her twitter and facebook account. she doesn't know a person can follow her twitter account without actually "following" her. she isn't truthful about her role at work. she embellishes her education. out right lies about her appearance. claims to run miles upon miles and workout for hours/day. embellishes past employment history. all lies. its literally living a life of fantasy on the internet and she has 13,000 twitter followers that probably believe it all. but, i know better.

anyway... a single post or two on a website like this isn't going to cause me too much judgment on a fella cause i think its more common than we think with todays internet generation. so, don't beat yourself up too much over it tobes. and i certainly wouldn't let our opinion dictate how you live your life or how you feel about yourself.

if i were you, i would consider some serious self introspection and try to examine why you even give two shits about what any of us think. you don't know 99.5% of us personally. so, what we think shouldn't matter to you one bit. definitely not enough to make a post under a false username drawing attention to your shaved head or your friend with cancer. and frankly, if i were you, i would think real hard about why you felt the need to explain your battle with alcohol to us too.

i just hope you aren't using alcoholism as an excuse for bad internet behavior. lots of folk have bad internet behavior and booze has nothing to do with it.

finally... i ain't a fan of deleting internet threads... but, if we really do care one bit about this fella, this one needs to deleted from the interweb FOREVA!

No way delete this thread, I for one don't think deleting this thread is going to help anyone. I think we should have a best of threads and only members to see these best of threads. This thread can help many others who feel the same as Tobey does. Do not delete

 

[Pinecone]

Toby, Don't buy a rambler!

 

[Vollmer]

I do not know you, but I know alcoholism. My mother died in her 30's from it (liver disease).

If you are an alcoholic, nothing we say can help you. You will need to get help. You will need to want to do this for yourself.

Ugly disease. I hope you take it very seriously, and I hope you beat it.

 

[gst]

three things are important in life...family, faith and friends.

Friends are people that will sit you down and tell you you have a problem and help you even if they know you don;t want to hear it. If you have one of those friends listen to them...true friends like that do not come around every day. People that enable you are not friends. People you don;t know on the internet are not friends.

Family...NOTHING is more important. Any time you think your struggle is hard think about them and the impact losing you would have. You may think you are at the lowest point in your life, but if you still have your family beside you, you are not. You don;t want to be there.

Faith... There is a higher power. There is something to accepting that there is something more than what you control involved in our lives that can help a person get thru what otherwise you would not be able to. Believe in that, faith is a powerful thing.

Good luck

 

[Captain Ahab]

Best wishes to the Tobes.

 

[Davy Crockett]

Prayers to your friend with cancer toby, Prayers for you too. Your lucky that you're surrounded by a bunch of good ol ND Sportsmen that care about their fellow outdoorsmen and not living in some huge city like New York where people would most likely be treating you like you have treated us.
Speaking of that, Thanks for posting that long disturbing post about a month ago when everyone was putting the boots to you. when I responded to defend you from the blanket partiers you deleted the post and left me holding the bag. That was pretty low, Not sure how low you and booze can actually go but that post proved to me there's no limit how low you can be when your drinking. You needed one last kick in the nuts before treatment and you got it. Go in with a positive attitude and remember how stupid you are when you're drunk. you can become the person you really want to be but booze is your worst enemy, it will never happen if you are a drunk. May you and your friend with cancer live a long and prosperous life.

 

[Fracman]

Let me get this straight Toby makes a fake account to make people think he is a good person. Gets called out. He then types up a post talking about how he has this problem. Everyone feels sorry for him.

 

[Lycanthrope]

My 15 YO son had a female friend who was in a car accident last year during school, she had a big gash in her head so they had to shave most of her hair to repair it. She was pretty down about it so he shaved his head also to show support for her. Pretty cool thing for him to do, but much easier for a boy to do than a girl.